Fear of Public Squeeking

Fear of Public Squeaking
 
Stephen Nachmanovitch speaks of Buddhists
speaking of 5 Fears  that block, impede,
prevent me  from my  creative  playful
ability to fool around  & improvise
life & art &  idiocy:
 
loss of life
  loss of livelihood
    loss of reputation
      loss of the usual states of mind
         loss of my unselfconscious-ness which
 
is to say: my faux-confidence & the safety &
seeming  salvation sealing-me-in to a bubble
that melts down before  an audience, peers,
colleagues,  friends, romans, countrymyn: my
naked lunch & embarrass-mental studies—me
behind monkey bars, damnit—a stutter, stammer, 
a 12 o’clock  yammer like ah, ummm,  hmmm,
well it would  appear not  with out good reason
not with standing um ah contrary perhaps to
hmmm public opinion at first um glance & again
as I’ve said repeatedly with ah no disrespect to my
um worthy colleagues know  what I’m saying it
would appear obvious...etc.
 
Loss
Loss
Loss
Loss
Loss


makes a silly ass miser out of me miserable & can’t
stand to lose it & powerless to prevent.
 
         The fear is profoundly related to
                 fear of foolishness
         which has two parts: fear of being
            thought a fool (loss of repute)
            & fear of actually being a fool
       (fear of unusual  states of mind.)
                               Steven Nackmanovtch: Free Play.
 
No. No. No. No. No. Fear of Dying is what  it is: all 5
Buddhist Fears = variations  on one theme: loss of control,
loss  of boss-of-myself: the blessed self- sustaining, self-
validating, self- confirming, self-predicting practical
workable illusion that I am in control. How could it be
other wise?  Out of it?  Perish the thought. .
 
Born to Lose.
 
My son learned that motto from some  tv show on motorcycle
gangs & would ask me “Daddy, why am I born to lose” knowing
how it bugged me. “You’re not born to lose, son, damnit!”  I’d
yell at him—shake him by the ear. . 
 
Lying.