Thursday, July 19, 2007

Perish the Thought

Fear of Public Squeaking

Stephen Nachmanovitch speaks
of Buddhists speaking of 5 Fears
that block, impede, prevent me
from my freedom & creative
playful ability to fool around
& improvise life & art &

loss of life
loss of livelihood
loss of reputation
loss of the usual states of mind
loss of my unselfconscious-ness,
faux confidence & the safety &
seeming salvation sealing-me-in
to a bubble that melts down before
an audience, peers, colleagues,
friends, romans, countrymyn: my
naked lunch & embarrass-mental
studies—me behind monkey bars,
damnit—a stutter, a stammer, a
12 o’clock yammer like ah, ummm,
hmmm, well it would appear not
with out good reason not with
standing um ah contrary perhaps
to hmmm public opinion at first
um glance & again as I’ve said
repeatedly with ah no disrespect
to my um worthy colleagues
know what I’m saying
it would appear

makes a silly ass
miser out of me
miserable & can’t
stand to lose it &
powerless to prevent.

The fear is profoundly related to
fear of foolishness
which has two parts: fear of being
thought a fool (loss of repute)
& fear of actually being a fool
(fear of unusual states of mind.)
Steven N.

No. No. No. Fear of Dying is what
it is: all 5 Buddhist Fears = variations
on one theme: loss of control, loss
of boss-of-myself: the blessed self-
sustaining, self-validating, self-
confirming, self-predicting practical
workable illusion that I am in control.
How could it be other wise?
Out of it? Perish the
thought. Kill it.

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